Finding hope, peace and comfort after loss

One of the most recent #profilesoffaith posts on our Instagram page featured Sakiusa and Salote Maiwiriwiri, a couple from Fiji who lost two children to lung cancer and meningitis, respectively. When Sister Salote Maiwiriwiri was in the temple, she had a prompting to speak with a senior sister missionary there who had also lost two children. The advice Salote got from her that day was this: “If you make your home a holy place, you can feel your children’s presence there.” (You can read the rest of the story in the October 2020 Ensign magazine)

What a special promise. The Maiwiriwiris have strived for that each day since. They welcome their late children to all family devotionals by name and raise their children at home in a way that always invites the spirit. They know their efforts are seen by their children on the other side of the veil.

This story brought me to tears, and made me think of the different ways many people cope with loss. What brings them the hope, peace and comfort they need to keep moving forward?

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My freshmen year of college was ROUGH. Well, actually, it was mostly the second semester. Besides missing my missionary, the first semester was a blast. Second semester…. whole other story. I could bore you with all the lame details, but honestly, it was mostly because of Grandpa. 

The time had finally come for him to be admitted into a nursing home. My grandma, aunt and uncle didn’t have the necessary resources to care for him at home. He and I had always had a good relationship, but we were especially close at this time. I had been visiting him every week since I moved to Utah for school. We’d go on walks, play cards and watch State Fair and McLintock! on repeat. He’d sing his favorite songs for me, tell me stories and make me laugh. 

When the time came to move him to the nursing home, I knew it was best for him.

I continued my weekly visits going to the nursing home. But when I saw how scared and lonely he was, those visits turned into twice a week, three times a week… then, before I knew it, I was going to see him every day. And every day he’d ask me to “do what was best for my grandpa” and take him home. 

He also had dementia pretty bad at this point and had a really hard time communicating with me to tell me what he wanted or needed. One night, he kept telling me to go home and get his “catheter.”

“Catheter? …Grandpa, you have everything you need here. They’re taking good care of you.”

“You’re starting to sound like HIM,” he said as he shot the worst death glare at Tyson, his nurse.

He continued to tell me how badly he needed this “catheter” and started telling me where it was located at home… the description sounding like the home he lived in at least 10 years prior. Finally, after pretty much an hour, I discovered he was talking about Campbell’s chicken noodle soup. HA. Should’ve known. His favorite. I told him I’d bring it the next night and we’d have dinner together.

The next night came, and I had chicken noodle soup and cuties in hand. I got to his room and he was in the middle of getting something done. Blood work maybe? I don’t remember. The nurses were pinning him down, he was yelling and screaming and trying to get out of bed… He was sobbing uncontrollably and obviously so scared. I knew he was safe and in good hands and there was nothing I could do for him. He didn’t see me as I left the Tupperware and orange on his bedside table. I went to my car and cried. 

I remember praying the hardest I think I ever had at that point in my life that night. I cried and prayed and cried some more. It was one of the most spiritually sensitive times of my life. I prayed, read my scriptures, served in my calling, and relied on my Heavenly Father more than ever before. Because of that, I could discern promptings, I had the time I needed to work on school work, I still had something resembling a social life.. and even though it was hard – I felt PEACE. I was truly carried through that year by the grace of God and the love of my Savior. I have no doubt about it.

I still checked on grandpa every day after that. Good thing too because I noticed and knew things that no one else did. Things that stopped him from shivering at night, or helped him fall asleep when he felt anxious. And even though a lot of the times it was really hard, I wouldn’t trade those memories or experiences for anything.

My reason for telling you all of this, is because I want you to know that I know what it feels like. I know the emotional exhaustion of watching a loved one sick and suffering and knowing there really isn’t a whole lot you can do. I didn’t have to change his bed sheets or make sure he took his medication. He had nurses and a medical staff. But emotionally… I was there. I was his closest confidant and trusted friend during those months. I felt his pain, I knew his loneliness and fear, and all I could do was show up with chicken noodle soup and play a game of cards… Make sure he had his blanket at night… and watch his favorite movies over and over and over again just to see him finally smile and fall asleep peacefully.

Now, fast forward. After his funeral, my cousin posted a picture of them together and talked about how he was her best friend. She described their relationship, and my heart surprisingly hurt a little bit. It took me a minute to pinpoint why. After reading her words a couple more times, it hit me. I wasn’t close to him like she was when he was healthy and full of life. Sure, I always loved seeing him and we’d play games and tease each other. He knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. But I didn’t ask him for wisdom, tell him all about my life and how it was going… didn’t REALLY spend quality relationship-building time with him until he was sick and dying. And I felt the grief for the lost time.

But then, that night I had a dream about him. It was a special experience and I don’t want to share all the specifics here on the internet for the whole wide world to read. But, I will tell you this – when I woke up the next morning and pondered that dream, I KNEW.

I knew he was not only happy, healthy and at peace now – but he was aware of and grateful for all those days I spent by his side. I knew he was intricately aware of me, of my life – that he was proud of me, and that he was looking out for me now on the other side. He knew who I was, he loved me, he knew I loved him, and we were FOR SURE best friends. Haha. 

That may sound trivial to some, but for me – it meant the world. And it truly strengthened my testimony of the plan of salvation. Because I knew our relationship wasn’t over. His life wasn’t over. And I was reminded of the eternal perspective that we can only understand by living the gospel of Jesus Christ.

If you’re still reading this right now, maybe you’ve had a similar situation. Maybe you’ve poured your heart and soul into caring for someone and now they’re gone. Maybe you’re wishing you had more time with them to make sure they knew how much you love them. Maybe you are grieving the loss of someone you miss with your whole heart and wish you could call them on the phone tomorrow just to hear their voice and get that wisdom only they could give you.

In Brent L Top’s book “What’s on the other Side?” he mentions that our loved ones who have passed on are actually MORE involved in our lives than they ever could be on Earth. I loved this thought. It rang so true with me because my I have felt my ancestors’ presence very strongly multiple times in my life. 

It reminds me that their life isn’t over. Your relationship with those you love who have passed on ISN”T OVER! Because of Jesus Christ, there is life after death. He conquered death so that we may LIVE!! Forever!!! Families are sealed for time and all ETERNITY in temples – the houses of the Lord on the Earth. And those blessings are real. Those promises are real. Those we love who have graduated into the next part of eternity are alive and well on the other side of the veil. They are still part of our lives – looking out for us, helping protect us, and doing whatever else their jobs are to build up the kingdom of God. And just like you, they cannot wait for the sweet reunions that will take place in the eternities. 

(You can read an interview Brent L Top participated in about his book here)